I'm not a fan of birds. I think this stems from an incident when I was young when a bird shat upon my back as I was leaving for the school bus stop. Luckily I was wearing a plastic rain coat. When I was even younger there was always some grown-up teasing us kids about bats flying around in our backyard ready to fly into our hair. I'm not sure if they were bats or not, but I was convinced that I would be a victim of a bat attack at some point in time.
On a trip to the Capitol building in Harrisburg a few years back, we were leaving at closing time and an employee there warned us that we would be hearing gunshots momentarily and not to be alarmed. Apparently, at closing time, they play the recording to scare the pigeons off the roof. As were were coming down the steps, the gunshots began and we heard the "woosh" of a million pigeons' wings flying overhead. Then came the plops. Oh my God. I literally ran screaming with my Pennsylvania government brochures covering my head to take cover under the nearest storefront awning. I could see and hear the bird shit raining down like freaking hail. It was one of the most terrifying and disgusting things I've ever experienced.
SO's sister has two uncaged LARGE birds in her home plus 4 or 5 caged smaller ones. I am a nervous wreck each time we visit. While the one is amusing as it talks a blue streak and mimics sounds like dripping water and distinctive cell phone rings, the other just squawks and dive bombs SO's dad's head. Rudy, the talkative African grey doesn't attack people, it just shits and blabbers. I don't know what brand the other one is and I can never remember it's name.
She also has a rooster, newly acquired since the last one she had liked to attack people. Nice. She actually shot the mother fucker since it attacked her rather brutally last fall. Yeah, that's the kind of bird I want hanging around my house. The new rooster is more mild-mannered and rides around on the back of one of the goats residing on the property. Again, amusing, but no thanks.
I have a balcony off my dining rooms where I sit and have my morning coffee, weather permitting. On a regular basis, I see a pair of Blue jays beating the hell out of a pair of cardinals and various robins. While the colorful birds are pretty, the shit all over my new deck furniture and the cars. I have been known to take pictures of baby birds in nests though.
Each year we manage to go to some function where there is some asinine exotic bird exhibit. While the owls are cool-looking, they give me the creeps because you just know they are plotting their next eye-pecking. SO never fails to embarrass the shit out of my by plucking the back of my head so I think I'm being attacked. I scream like a little girl and everyone laughs. Ha.
Rooster ready to attack. R.I.P.
Pretty damn ugly, but still a cool shot. Click to embiggen.
Birds are amazing creatures. They are also apparently blinded by dirt because as soon as I wash my truck the little buggers can see it just fine to take a crap on it.
Posted by: Jeff A | May 24, 2007 at 01:11 AM
Mark-I actually love that movie. I'm not sure why it doesn't bother me, but I do get a little antsy when I see more than 5 birds on a telephone wire.
Lin- I didn't know that about you either!
To further my position: I spent 8 hours painting my balcony yesterday, including, count 'em, 64 posts and lo and behold there is bird shit on the railing today. I have NEVER seen shit on the balcony before, only the deck. Mother fuckers.
Posted by: Hazel | May 23, 2007 at 10:15 AM
I just made PD read this and he is now at the bottom of the steps and I can still hear him laughing...
And I've got tears again.
Posted by: One Wink | May 22, 2007 at 04:23 PM
Ha! That was great. Good laugh to start the morning.
You never mentioned the Hitchcock film, but I wonder if that played any part in your developing abhorrence for our fine feathered friends.
I find birds fascinating. They did poop on my wife twice during two separate incidents on our 10th anniversary trip to Wyoming, and she has never been pooped on before or since. In that respect, she feels your pain.
Great post, Hazel-Hazel.
Posted by: Mark | May 22, 2007 at 08:32 AM
OMG Hazel, I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face, laughing my ass off. I didn't know this about you. I hate birds too! But not nearly as hilariously as you. This is a post that I will come back and read for a laugh. And I'll be sending some friends over too.
(SO's sis does not seem the rooster/goat type...)
Still lol...
Posted by: One Wink | May 21, 2007 at 10:19 PM